Saturday, December 14, 2013

A normal life, perhaps?

I might have a problem to give speeches or to tell stories to others and I admit it. If I could let you see how I really want to ‘talk’, to let people see and know how I feel. Maybe some other kids never face what people like me faced, and they should be glad and thankful for not be born as a person like me. But, please be understood that people like me also wants to have a life like yours.  I’m not smart, and if I read book, it takes more than a day or two to finish it. Sometimes weeks, and sometimes months. I wish to read different book every day. Nowadays, I have read 3 to 4 books at once so that I could catch up with other people, so that I can participate in their conversations once in a while. But sometimes I lost. It’s hard and difficult. I want to cry, but I can’t. I don’t want to be a loser. Some other time, I almost give up with this coping little thing. I want to change, but I hate when someone push me to hard. I hope they know they are dealing with a slow-leaner not a fast-leaner. I kept on asking myself lately “what else should I do to make it looks normal?” I couldn't find the answer yet. It hurts me sometimes. I don’t really care if other non-family members are talking and gossiping about me. All I want is my family will be there for me to support me from behind. Still, it hurts me. Please don’t get me wrong. I love my family, and they all everything to me. I’m a “family comes first” type of person. Maybe I’m to greed to take it all and left nothing to others. I’m sorry…

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Half Me

Some people never pleased with their life. The word ‘grateful’ is very difficult to be heard nowadays, as some of them always think that their life will never be as happy as their imaging they will be. It is a miracle if one day, I wake up and suddenly I say “Today is the day that I will change my life. I will make everyone proud me and its start with me”. I’m still waiting for that day. Then I think again, why I must have to wait that day to come? Why not now? Yet I didn’t find the answer. To be able to do all the things that I want to do, to be able to speak up whenever people ask my opinion, to be able be the person who I wanted to be, I still have a long journey to achieve it. I’m still at the state where all these things are difficult for me. But deep in my heart I know, someday I will become that person that I wanted to be. Someday.

Indeed, indeed it’s very hard to make some people understand that “I’m trying to get my courage, my confident and I’m chasing them now”. Especially those who does not have these kind of weakness. No everyone was born to be a warrior. I’m guessing some people might think of me as a tough, handiness, athletic, brave and what so ever person but I’m actually a very slow person in some way. A type of person who cannot make a quick decision, who hardly to make her own decision and who always hesitate to make her own decision. Yes, I am that kind of person.  “If that you called your weakness, then why are you not try to overcome it?” I heard that question somewhere actually. In fact, I believe if I when for therapist, he/she might even said it so. Then again, I might got “A person who has lot of excuses” title. To be honest, I will never know what will people going to say about me. It is all in my head. These entire things are in my head. I make my own assumptions. I created my own imagination. A false one I believe.  

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Karma Will Hit you Back

Bissmillah...

Assalamualaikum...
Disini saya sedikit sebanyak nak berkongsi incident yang baru sahaja berlaku pada saya hari ini. Incident yang membuatkan saya tersedar dan tersentap seketika. Saya harap apa yang ceritakan saudara dapat menilai sendiri baik buruknya. Keluarga saya menetap di Terengganu, ibu saya berkerja di KT manakala ayah saya terpaksa berkerja di Kuala Lumpur. Kebiasaannya ayah saya akan balik pada hujung minggu. Mungkin terasa sunyi disana jauh dari keluarga. Dan kebiasaannya, kakak atau abang saya yang akan menemani ayah saya ke KL. Baru-baru ini, kakak saya telah ditawarkan untuk melanjut pelajaran ke peringkat Ph.d setelah sekian lamanya. Jadi sekarang sepatutnya giliran saya pula menganti kakak saya untuk menemani ayah ke KL. Selepas 2 kali ulang-alik KL-KT, saya terus set dalam kepala, how i hate life in KL and i said it out loud in front of my family. and since then i refuse to company my dad ke KL. Perkara ini selalu menjadi pertengkaran antara saya dan abang saya. We always fight, and he always keep on asking me "Kenapa tak nak ke KL? Nak buat apa dekat rumah nie? Sampai bile nak jadi mcam nie?" and always end up abang saya yang menemani ayah. I said what i want without considere others people feeling.

So this weekend as always ayah balik KT, abang pun balik sekali. I thought maybe minggu ni saya terlepas lagi.Maybe abang akan temani ayah ke KL. Jadi saya anggap nothing happen. Hari ni ayah terpaksa pulang ke KL lagi since esok dah nak start kerja. Sangkaan saya abang saya akan ikut ayah lagi minggu ni, tapi tiba2 abang bersuara cakap minggu ni dia tak nak pergi and force me to go with my dad. Me, bluntly and tanpa berfikir terus against cakap tak nak pergi. We had a fight, a fight in front of EVERYONE. Mak Teh and Ayah Teh yang baru sahaja sampai dengan tokwan pun tercengang. Saya tak perasan...saya terlalu mengikut emosi. Abang asyik mengungkit, cakap dia yang selalu pergi. FINE, saya mengaku yang mmg kesalahan saya sebab tak nak pergi. Tapi tak perlu timbulkan isu tu depan semua orang. Maafkan saya, tapi untuk bahagian ni bagi saya perwatakan abang saya, saya anggap masih lagi budak2. Sbb nak bergaduh tak kene tempat. Saya pun satu, nak juga menang. Tapi at that time i just want to end the argument. He likes, nak show off depan saudara and everyone yang ada dekat situ yang dia yang selalu teman ayah. First, if you don't want to do it, then don't. Janganlah niat nak tolong temankan ayah sebab nak kan perhatian dan compliment dari orang lain. It just wrong, and i hate it bila orang lain ingat saya duduk di rumah sekadar goyang kaki. They don't know betapa mahunya saya dapat kerja cepat2... That is not the point sekarang, the point is my dad dengar. I know how my dad feels, tengok anak bertengkar because of him. I saw my dad face waktu bertengkar, and that time there is nothing i cant do anymore. I make it worst. Sudah la sejak kebelakangan ni kurang bercakap dengan ayah, kadang2 selalu marah2 tak tentu pasal and now terpaksa tengok anak bergaduh pasal tak nak teman ke KL pula. I just want to cry that time. How i regret what happen that moment. Setelah sedar, dan berfikir panjang, I have decided to company my dad. It is my fault after all.
And supposedly malam ni saya berangkat ke KL bersama ayah, instead i'm still here at hometown and my dad dah on way ke KL sekarang. ALONE....all i know i hurt my dad's heart. AGAIN...see him forcing himself to smile at me and my family before his leaving to KL make me want to scream and cry. Now my night will burden with regrets.. MAAFKAN SAYA AYAH... 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Different people, different style ( Lain orang, lain la cara)

i'm not saying i'm a perfect person untuk memberi nasihat, apatah lagi untuk mengubah cara hidup orang lain....apa yang saya mampu adalah bercerita tentang kehidupan saya dan saudara2 lah yang menilainya sendiri. Adakah kehidupan saya ini sama dengan saudara atau tidak? dan adakah apa yang saya lakukan betul atau salah?....not everyone have the same opinions right?saya tahu semua orang ade perspektif mereka tersendiri, saya pun tak terkecuali. Dan saya tahu manusia ada pelbagai2 sifat, perangai dan tabiat mereka yang tersendiri.
 But i can't help myself from asking, why must inside every human perlu ada negative part? Even saya tak suka dengan sikap negatif yang ada pada diri saya. I tried to change, but i can't. Tapi itu tak bermaksud saya give up, apa yang saya mampu adalah by slowly control it.I'm a hot and bad temper. And i used to like cursing people (even sekarang pun masih tapi not that often) and i only regret it selepas saya puas hati. Yes, SHAME ON ME...Saya tahu saya salah, and i'm ready to change. Jadi apa yang saya buat adalah lari dari mereka yang suka mengapi-apikan saya..heheheh...Oppss, jangan salah faham, bukan saya tidak bertegur sapa dengan yang selalu cuba melaga2 kan dengan kawan yang lain, saya masih lagi berkawan dengan mereka cuma apabila da sampai part yang kurang enak tibalah masa saya untuk berlalu...saya tahu kesalahan saya adalah tidak memberi nasihat, tapi apakah daya, saya seorang yang lemah dan pengecut.
 Apa yang mampu saya lakukan adalah mengelakkan diri saya. Please don't be like me. Kalau saudara, mengalami masalah yang sama dengan saya cubalah memberanikan diri menegur kesalahan mereka. kadang2 mereka tidak sedar apa yang mereka lakukan....

2nd time

Assalamualaikum....
Alhamdulillah, setelah sekian lama berhenti berblogging tetiba terdetik dalam hati nak mulakan semula. Buat masa sekarang masih belum pasti kenapa tetiba dapat nawaitu nak join balik berblogging nie. Tapi for sure insyaAllah bukan untuk niat yang x baikkk....mintak2 dijauhkan la...

Maybe sebab saya sudah rasa bosan dan tidak tahan lagi dengan kerenah manusia yang bermacam2 ragam kot. Maaf kalau ade yang tersinggung, apa yang saya ingin cuba sampaikan dan kongsi adalah nasihat kepada saudara2 saya diluar sana dan juga saya sendiri untuk berubah ke arah kebaikan, termasuk lah saya sendiri.InsyaAllah....