all in one

there's nothing same anymore after your age is turned 18....everything start to change.....

-the school's life

-the new enviroment

-the new place

-new friends all the countries...

i mean of course it's a good thing to step out from the box once in while,but still i feel lonely and different. if before this i proudly can say that i know myself, but now i don't even recognize myself anymore and it's kind of hurt.sometimes i'm happy n few minutes after that i turn to be someone i don't even know and i don't want to know either. it just i'm curious about in what happen to me...

why is this happen now at this time. few days left before new year. and i'll turn to 20...did you heard that?? i'm turning to 20 next year and i should not act like this...i hate this kind part of me.

i have a tiny bit secret that i kept in myself. Only me and god knows about this...but lately apart of 'unrecognize' me wants to let it out...what i'm trying to say is,this tiny secret start to burden me and i just felt like to let it out(share with others)..all i know is it will destroy me and my life once someone know about this...and this secret is where i hate the most a part of me. to be honest, indeed its hard to become one with yourself.your soul and your body....

am i thinking to much or it just me who trying to be a person. the only things in my head are

-my future career

-my future life

-my future me

-my future attitude

-my future new place ( 2nd Home)

-MONEY....

I'm trying to achieve few of those thing in above currently...but there's one more question that i can't solve it. i already become an adult and next year i'm be turning to 20.when i say turning to 20 means i grow up, and when i grow up means my attitude and my personality should be grown up to right?? now the question is how to be mature and think like an adult???

am i tired lately or it just my illustration getting worst...everywhere i go i see all people i thought i know.it's kind of bothering me somehow.and last night i heard people running in my house.once then twice then thrice. i got angry and thought that it was my lil sis and my cousin.i got up from my bed get ready to scold them.then i went out from my room, i opened my lil sis bedroom,nope they were not there.only my big sis.when i asked her she said my lil sis n my cousin already sleep.first i thought it was a joke then i walked to my brother's bedroom and saw them.sleeping.okay....it's end there...i dunno what was i heard last night....maybe it just my illusion...and some other thing that happen in my own room and i don't want to talk about it...it's not creepy me out,it just make me wants to think more if i wrote it here...

i've been dreaming about almost a similar dream nowadays...the dream that i'm afraid it's some thing that connect with my past....dreams that i don't even want to remember once every time i woke up from my sleep....i want to ask but i'm scared of the answer that i'll get.i keep it silent but its worried me....